Written November 21, 2019 from our farmhouse in Iowa
I am stepping out of one of the darkest periods of my healing and recovery process. I couldn’t get out of bed for many days in the last week except when I had to. There is a benefit to having a job that requires one’s attendance - those days can’t happen. Which is also one of the downsides as I am able to give myself over to the deep, oceanic healing that was underway.
I decided that a consistent blog will help me rise and face the day while being honest and open about where I am. I thought I would do this one month ago. In fact in the “Becoming a Badass Unicorn” folder on my Google Drive where I keep my writings, I found a “Day One - Finding My Groove” blog dated October 21, 2019. I guess it took a little more to find my groove than I expected.
What my therapist and I uncovered yesterday as I laid on her couch, and she covered me with a fluffy blanket, was that I was carrying so many people’s stories. This last month, I heard much of my husband’s story for the first time in front of many strangers and family and friends. I was present for a nibling going through gender transition at 12 and his younger sibling and parents as they sort through their own journeys. I was present for my parents who are dealing with my father’s failing body and the realities that come with these end times. I was present for my husband’s mother who recounted stories that played out in traumatic ways for her children. These are not all the stories for which I was present in the last month, and I became buried. I also began writing my own stories, and that just overwhelmed me more.
Now is the time to rise. Now is the time to find a place to put those stories that allows me to be present for the people I love while also rising to face my day and do what needs to be done. I have spent my life being present for others’ needs and stories and journeys. As a healer, I am present for many people’s darkest stories. As the child of ministers, I learned to be present for many people’s darkest times. As the survivor of sexual abuse throughout my entire youth, I learned to be present for the needs of my abusers. As the partner of someone who has experienced so much trauma in his life, I have learned to hold him in his pain without him ever telling me his stories. Through these journeys, I lost sight of myself and my callings in the world.
Now is the time to rise. I must get up every day, hear what my calling is, and step into that calling. I will still be present for my loved ones and the people around me when I am able. Sometimes, I will need to retreat and find my still, quiet place to renew and recover. Each day, I hope to show up to this page to claim my presence and find what drives me. I recorded this video for my cloud of witnesses who have been present for me through this wild and wondrous ride. I am grateful that I am not alone in this.